Dad,
Happy Father's Day! You have now been gone for 9 months. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you. How I wouldn't give to have one more conversation with you. I will always cherish the very last one we had. Today is Father's Day and even though you are not here for me to call or send a card, I hope you know how proud I am of you. I always knew you were a good man! You were always my hero! You taught us to not give up, work hard at EVERYTHING regardless of how good we were, and to show EVERYONE respect. I always looked up to you. I wanted nothing more than to be the athlete that you were. You showed me how to have a drive to be the best but never take the full credit. We recently received your Lake View Athletic Hall of Fame Induction. It was definitely a tough night for all of us. Like I mentioned before, I always knew you were a great man, but after listening to others talk about you and the dedication and respect you had for others, I couldn't help but me more proud of you. Dad, I hope people talk that highly of me after I leave this earth. Such an honor to listen to all the great things people had to say. I know you probably heard all of it in Heaven, but it was so honoring. You deserved that induction and I wish you could have been there to receive it!
I think one of the hardest things about you being gone is wrestling with the "it's not fair" thought that keeps rolling around in my brain. It's not fair for my kids to not have their Da, or Mom to not have you there with her, or even Michael and I. I know this makes me really selfish but I wish so badly that you were still here with us. The kids have pictures of you in their rooms and they talk about you often. They listen to some of the music that you loved. Caden likes his Asleep at the Wheel, Ethan enjoys the Beatles, and well Maddison still loves her Disney music you gave her. I found several discs that we had made for you years ago and brought those back home to the kids. It's kind of funny when the kids are playing music in the basement and all the sudden we hear some old Alabama or Dwight Yoakam. Fairly sure that's not something you hear much of up here in the north! That's just a small way the kids can keep you close, and enjoy your love for music. Oh, and they wear their SMU blue and red very proudly! As selfish as I am for wanting you here, I know it would have been very selfish to not let you be free from all the suffering you were enduring. You fought so hard for so many years with your disease, you deserved so many more years of happiness. I know you're watching your grand kids from above, but they are some amazing little people! I know you would be proud!
I've realized in the last 9 months I've changed some. I can't remember a time in my life, where no matter how bad the situation I knew things would workout and be okay. Even the day we almost lost Ethan and the long wait for his new heart, there was never a doubt in my mind that things wouldn't work out. Lots of that has to do with the faith you instilled in us and the other the drive of strong will that I gained from you. God has done lots of miracles in our lives and even though we've been in some rough situations there has always been a good outcome. Maybe not what we wanted but one we could manage with faith and prayer. When you became sick and went in the hospital I knew you would pull through. There was no doubt in my mind that you would conquer this and be back home in no time. Even to the day you passed I never once thought this was the end. You leaving this earth was not something I was willing to accept. Even when I watched you take your last breath, I just felt that you were going to sit right up and everything would be okay. This is what has been the hardest for me these past 9 months. I feel that a little part of me was taken away and a reality has set in, that is painful. I've found myself less sure of outcomes, not that I ever have control of the future but definitely more uncertainty. With each passing day, I fear what the next outcome will be, because I don't want to feel this pain ever again. Everything seems so much more sensitive now.
This is the first Father's Day I did not buy you a card. Not to lie, it was hard walking through the card section, and yes I cried. Once again I think "it's not fair". Dad, I know you are watching over us and I know Heaven is beautiful and you are loving it there. Thank you for all the wonderful memories you gave us, I will always cherish those! We miss you dearly down here!
Love you,
Candace
