Reliving the Moments

Have you ever had one of those events in your life that you can recall every minute of the day?  And, feel like you can relive it as if it were yesterday?  The past week has been one of those moments for me.  I can remember the exact hours and minutes when things got so scary for Ethan.  I remember feeling like someone knocked the breathe out of me and yet when I remember those moments I still feel like I can't breathe.  I remember praying continually asking God, "why?  Lord please wake me up from this nightmare".  I'm so thankful we are in a much better place this year at this time but it's still so sensitive to think about what was happening last year at this time.  I think at some point you put yourself in survival mode and protect yourself from only seeing what is inside the box and not outside.  Now that the dust has settled looking at what was outside that box, scares me to death!

Here is the timeline as to the events that unraveled this time last year.

Ethan on the airplane on his way to Dallas.

March 28th, 2012 - Ethan was transported to Children's Medical in Dallas from Nevada.  Perry rode with him and I stayed back with Caden and my Mom getting things together to fly out the next day.

March 29th, 2012 - We flew out from Nevada early that morning, and yes we missed our first flight out.  I'll mark that one down for being pregnant.  Once we got to Dallas we started having meetings with the transplant doctors about getting Ethan evaluated for the transplant list.  I remember the doctors saying his heart was "impressive", which is not a word you want to hear from your doctor.  The whole time we listened to the transplant spill I kept thinking, these people are crazy my son does not need a new heart.  I remember sitting in that conference room feeling like I couldn't breathe, then I would catch my breathe only to feel like it was knocked out of me again.  That night I stayed in a hotel with my parents.  Before I went to bed that night I prayed really hard that God could make this all go away.  I remember getting angry with him for letting this happen to my little boy.

March 30th, 2012 - Ethan went in around 8am for a PICC line, which is a basic 30 minute procedure.  The anesthesiologist was discussing the risks of the anesthesia but felt like he had a good concoction.  I think at this point we felt like it's no big deal, Ethan will do great we are not worried.   Perry and I along with my parents headed down to the cafeteria to grab breakfast.  Around 8:40am we headed back up to Ethan's room to wait for him.  When we walked into the CICU there were people running frantically all around.  Then we were approached and asked to head to the conference room because something had happened.  I felt like my legs weighed a million pounds and I couldn't move.  The doctors came in and said that the PICC line had been placed and when they went to move Ethan from the operating table to his bed he coded.  He had been out for 2 minutes and they were able to revive him but were unsure if there would be any brain damage.  I think at this point we were in shock, I felt like I was going to be sick.  Those are not words you ever want to hear from a doctor.  When we got to see Ethan he was connected to so many wires and IV's.  The ECMO machine was sitting in the corner, uncovered and ready to go if needed.  That would be the next step if his heart stopped again.  At this point Ethan was moved to status 1A, and the talks began about trying to put him on the Berlin Heart (LVAD). 

The first night he was sedated

March 31st-April 2nd, 2012 - These days were long and exhausting.  Each day the goals for Ethan were to keep him asleep but not so much his heart rate would drop but not enough to let him wake up.  His heart was way to weak to support any sort of activity if he was awake. This was a little bit of a struggle since he metabolized the meds so quickly, but we had some great nurses who made sure he stayed asleep. Each morning Perry and I would get there for rounds at 7:30am to discuss possible infections and when they felt comfortable putting in the LVAD.  Then we would have to leave because if Ethan heard us or felt us touch him he would try to wake up.  Finally on the April 2nd the doctors decided that April 3rd would be the day to get him set up on the Berlin.

His Berlin

April 3rd, 2012 - So on this day last year, Ethan went back around 7:30 that morning.  I remember watching them wheel "Big Blue" down the hall to the operating room ahead of us.  This was going to be a long procedure even if things went well.  We had lots of family and friends there to help give us support.  My stomach was in knots all day long.  I felt confident that God would bring Ethan out of the surgery with success, he had already brought him back once that had to mean something, right?  A little after lunch that afternoon they put the hospital under Code Black, which means take shelter bad weather.  We spent almost an hour in a closed in room as tornadoes were going through North Texas.  Once we were able to get out we began watching the news to see where all the tornadoes were headed not even thinking of how it might effect our lives.  Around 3pm the receptionist came out and said that our surgeon would be ready to talk with us in about 15 minutes.  So as we are headed to the conference room the reporter on the TV says "I'm in Forney and there is a tornado that is taking out the high school!"  We froze!  Our oldest son Caden was in Forney with some friends.  Are you serious!!!  I have a son in a huge operation and now one in a tornado!  The thought did cross my mind that I might lose both my boys in the same day. but once again God calmed my fears!  Here again I felt like I couldn't move or breathe.  So while we are waiting for the surgeon, we are frantically calling to check on Caden.  God once again put his protection over us.  Ethan's procedure went very smoothly and they were going to try and wake him up the next day, and Caden was safe in Forney.

Easter Sunday

As I reflect on the events of last year I'm so thankful we serve a loving and forgiving God.  I fought him and was angry with him and yet he forgave me and helped me get through some of the most horrific events I've ever been through.  Ethan is sitting hear in my lap as I'm writing this and that is one of God's miracles.  I will always remember today and the events that changed our lives, but most of all I will thank God every day for the 2nd chance we got with Ethan.  Even when I want to pull my hair out because I get the 3 year old attitude, which has happened a lot today I still find a way to hug him and tell him how much I love him!

The boys giving Maddison sugars!