Understanding

So we have now passed the 6 month mark for Ethan being in the hospital.  This has seemed like the longest 6 months of my life.  Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought it would take this long for Ethan to get his special heart.  Through all of this I've continued to have one consistent battle, which is very normal for these circumstances, but yet it's still a battle.  That battle is UNDERSTANDING!  So many times I catch myself asking, "why has it been 6 months and Ethan still doesn't have his new heart".  Why was our time in Nevada so short?  Why is it that my precious kids have congenital heart block and will need pacemakers? Those questions are one's that go through my head on a daily basis.  Lots of times I even pray, God I don't understand.  But he then reassures me not to lean on my own understanding but his.  He has the ultimate plan and I need to rely on him.  Is it fair, no, but I know he has prepared me to handle this and someday I'll look back and understand.

As silly as it may sound, I have struggled with moving from Nevada more than I did when we left here.  Yes, Texas is where our family and friends were but while we were out there I made some really great friends.  I loved the weather, the parks, and the farmers market.  I've often questioned, why would God lead us out there for such a short time.  We knew it was only going to be 3-5 years but why was it just 9 months.  Well, I can now look back and somewhat understand.  When Perry and I made the decision to move out there it was going to give me the opportunity to stay home with the kids and not have to work.  God obviously knew what he was doing because the only way we've been able to manage with Ethan in the hospital, is for me to not have to work. Yes, I do run myself completely ragged but it's for my kids.  I will do whatever it takes to make sure my 3 kiddos have as much normal as possible.

Another simple understanding.  God put us here at Children's because he knew it would be a long journey for us.  The people here are some of the best.  Doctors, nurses, surgeons, child life specialists, the list goes on.  We've been so blessed to have the medical knowledge available here for Ethan.  But it's not just all about Ethan.  Everyone here has taken great care of Caden, Maddison and all our family.  It's not just about Ethan's medical condition but as a family we have to get through this emotional roller coaster.  The support we've received has helped us get through the roughest days.  For example, our child life specialist has allowed us to use the playroom on Wednesday evenings so the boys can have some time to play together.  That's not only therapeutic for Ethan but also for Caden.  They really miss each other.

Does it make sense why my kiddos have this medical condition?  No, but if we weren't constantly watching their heart then Maddison's other heart condition might have gone unnoticed.  Maddison was diagnosed with Long QT syndrome.  Her heart was taking too long to recover between beats which could cause her heart to add an extra beat, which then causes a bad arrhythmia.  We would have never of known if we weren't watching her for congenital heart block.  Now, she has her pacemaker and is on a beta blocker to keep her heart from adding extra beats.  Again, it's a God thing. 

So you may ask, how do you continue to be so strong?  Well, there's a couple of things.  My God is an amazing and wonderful God.  He will take care of us.  He has blessed us with so many things already.  Just spend 30 minutes with Ethan running the halls, and you can see one of his biggest blessings.   One of the many versus I look to is Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."  Second, I have no other choice but to be strong.  My kiddos need to know that everything is going to be okay even in the toughest days, we are going to get through this.  Another verse that I found the other day that I have now added to my daily reminders is Psalm 13:5, "But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation."

Yes, this has been a long journey that I hope ends soon with a happy ending but I will wait for that special heart if it gives me the opportunity to watch Ethan go through school, get married, and have kids.  So I ask myself why am I going through this?  God is preparing me for something, maybe this is my ministry to help other families deal with this type of situation.  Maybe it was to minster to others who have been experienced this with us.  I don't know but I will someday see.